


Feelings I didn't know I had (James and Keith week 2018)

by Ulquii



Series: James and Keith Week [1]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternative Perspective, And not being able to survive it, Day 1: Competition, Day 2: Dreams/Fantasies, Day 3: Earth/Sky, Day 4: Lion, Day 5: Shiro, Day 6: Mutual, Day 7: Post-War, Denial of Feelings, Feelings Realization, He finally found peace, He's talking to Black, In Keith's kisses, Keith's, M/M, Or escaping from them, Or kind of 'I got hard for you' realization, Thinking of feelings really hard, Too wild, Wet Dream, With his feelings I mean, Written for Jaith week, at least, black lion - Freeform, like when you just notice your many-years-old crush, or kind of, real talk, talking to inanimate things, that ended really wet, too hard to give yourself a headache, wild imagination
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-10
Updated: 2018-09-17
Packaged: 2019-07-10 13:36:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 13,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15950423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ulquii/pseuds/Ulquii
Summary: He actually didn’t think that at one point in his life he would find himself in that kind of situation. But looking back to their past, he certainly underestimated his future.





	1. Competition

**Author's Note:**

> I was super excited for Jaith week that I had three chapters ready the same day I read about it.  
> I hope you like it!!
> 
> On [tumblr](https://ulqueleleh.tumblr.com/post/177931278062/feelings-i-didnt-know-i-had-james-and-keith).

* * *

He actually didn’t think that at one point in his life he would find himself in that kind of situation. But looking back to their past, he certainly underestimated his future. 

The breath against his face, short and heavy, made him come back to reality in a punch, his eyes fixated in the open mouth some inches away from his. And his head, so dizzy and lacked of oxygen after so much struggle, didn’t had the capacity to figure out how he ended in that situation, in  _that_  position. 

He certainly remembers that he was in a little training before going to his day-to-day activities, in these included the MFE fighter training and testing, and a few official meetings about retrieving humanity to its peace from a bloodthirsty alien race that took over Earth years ago. And even though it was kind humdrum, it was incredibly extraordinaire to be able to know more about the universe, more than he ever thought he would. 

It was one of those days where he wanted to fight hand to hand, defeat some of his teammates and any other senior or junior that dared to challenge him, continuing with his unbeaten title in the academy and having all the rights to brag about it. 

“Unbeaten, huh?” 

He startled, quitting his eyes from Kinkade defeated on the ground to look at the entrance, swallowing when he found the violet light in the eyes fixed in his figure. He almost felt flustered because he proclaimed it himself when he knocked down his friend and MFE teammate. 

“It hears like a title that isn’t going to last” he heard one of the Paladins, _McClain_ , he thought briefly after focusing a little in recognizing the voice and not losing himself in the interested little smirk sparkling in the purple irises, “Or what do you think, Keith? Would you like him to enjoy it for a little more?” 

Keith looked away, the smile still in his mouth, and James rolled back his eyes, finally getting his head together and glaring at the conceited Blue Paladin, giving him an analyzing look from head to toes. 

“In two years, no one has ever defeated me” he pointed out crossing his arms over his chest, “And you suddenly appear in a giant lion robot and you say with all certainty that you can defeat me?” 

He heard the other two snort, containing laughs, while the alien girl,  _Allura, maybe,_  looked amused by his questioning. McClain, on the other hand, pouted and huffed. 

“Please!” he heard the girl with the big glasses covering half of her face, “Lance? Challenging you in a hand-to-hand fight?!” 

“Believe me when I say that he’d prefer shooting you till unconsciousness from afar, man” the taller said wiping an invisible tear from his eye and receiving a hit from McClain’s elbow. 

 _Holt and Garret,_ he remembered lifting an eyebrow at them. 

“I wasn’t talking about me, Griffin” McClain explained waving an uninterested hand to him and patting Keith’s shoulder, “But I put in the game the best fighter of the Paladins.” 

James felt all his body tense at the smile Keith gave to his friend before looking up at him, his expression prouder than before. 

“Sounds good.” He answered tilting slightly his face, his smirk crooking to a side, “Do you take new adversaries?” 

He snorted, changing his weight from one leg to another to apparent his nervousness, and made a gesture to the center, inviting him silently to enter the fighting mat. 

The cheers and whistling didn’t wait while Keith crossed the room filled with people, most of them cadets with too much free time and commandants that were passing by between their activities. James suddenly felt too nervous about too much audience, afraid that the karma had come for him because he bragged too much about his title. 

But it couldn’t be that bad, right? 

Yes, Keith kicked his ass, too literally, when they were new in the academy when James said things he shouldn’t have said. And yes, Keith had passed the last years in space in many adventures that he just never stops hearing of. And yes, Keith was now leader of the team that saved humanity and fell into atmosphere in a ball of fire after a massive explosion that could’ve destroyed the whole planet. 

But all that didn’t make him a better fighter than two years as the best cadet of Garrison and three years defending Earth made himself. And taking as a benefit that Keith and the rest of the Voltron team had disappeared for almost three years while he was fighting for human survival, even when Keith looked strangely older than his teammates, it certainly didn’t make him a better fighter than him. 

Of course, he was _so_ wrong. 

The up and down of his chest didn’t help him at all, just to dizzy him more, the weight over his torso, pressing and not letting him complete his pants, weakened his arms, one of them trapped in a twist of wrist of his adversary and the other one below a knee. His legs were tired and limp, and he knew that even if he tried to get Keith off his body, he won’t be able to move his feet in the attempt. 

And it didn’t help having the warm breath hitting his face, not letting him have any clean air to at least try to think clearly. 

Keith have defeated him once,  _of_ _course_ he would defeat him again despite the time passed. 

“Yield?” he panted with a smile in his mouth, and James had a sparkle of proudness in the deep of his shame knowing that he at least left him breathless, “Yield, Griffin.” 

He let his eyes close halfway, moving his arm a bit and groaning at the pull to his shoulder, he noted Keith lighten up his grasp to avoid dislocate his arm. 

“So?” 

The sound of the audience had been muted until that moment, the adrenaline deafening his ears, but slowly went roaring back to his head, all the screams of excitement, and he forced himself to ignore them, glaring at Keith with the little irritation he could manage with the energy he had, finally frowning at the comfortable sensation of being between the floor and Keith’s body. 

“Griffin.” 

He felt him remove himself a little, letting him breathe a bit, and he tightened the fist he had trapped against the ground, swallowing hardly when his mind didn’t stop going on and on about the elaborate intimacy in the situation: the smell of his own sweat mixed up with Keith’s, the ragged breaths over his lips, the comfortable weight on his body immobilizing him, the noise of the public too loud that he was sure anything said between Keith and him would be unnoticed despite all the attention. 

And James couldn’t comprehend why his mind focused in the banality of their positions, in the humidity brightness in Keith’s skin, in the tousled black hair that looked too soft, in his own name being pronounced with consternation. 

“James?” 

He clenched his jaw, all the blood he obviously needed in his brain running abruptly to another part of his body. And he surely won’t stay there admiring the halo of light that glowed around Keith’s face until a certain _something_ become noticeable. 

“I yield."


	2. Dreams/Fantasies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a little too heated (in a very good way), and I actually had so many problems describing everything in english!  
> I'm such a disaster when it comes to explicit, but I make my effort!!
> 
> On [tumblr](https://ulqueleleh.tumblr.com/post/177965993432/feelings-i-didnt-know-i-had-james-and-keith).

Again, he didn’t know how he ended in that position.

But once again he was between a hard surface and Keith’s body, both breathing heavily in each other’s face, the air ghosting his mouth making him shiver in all the _right_ ways.

He asked himself if they were fighting again, if they were in a hand-to-hand combat in the gym again, but there was no noise of the public watching the fight. He couldn’t hear the cheers or the shouts. He couldn’t see their silhouettes in the distance. He couldn’t feel the heat of the room full of people.

Ah, but the heat coming from Keith’s body was plenty, the sweat sticking their clothes to their skin and their chests touching briefly every time he and Keith breathed at the same time. Everything was too intimate.

Soon he noticed that they actually were alone in the darkness, the only source of light illuminating majestically Keith’s figure over his

He couldn’t focus on anything but in Keith: his weight restricting his movements with precision, his ragged but kind of controlled pants on his skin, the strong heart beat against his ribs that he didn’t really care from who came from, the long sighs that sometimes fell from his lips and caressed his own hitched gasps, the heat all over his body, the strong smell of musk and sweat.

It was too much.

He tried to move, only causing his wrists to hit the ground harder than necessary, and felt a shiver make its way to his lower back at the deep, rough growl coming from Keith. He stiffened when he felt him lean down on him, his nose nuzzling slightly his cheek and his breath bouncing in his mouth.

“W-what are you...?”

Something hot and wet in his jaw made him force himself against the cold floor, scared of the sudden need to grind his hips up for more contact. He stayed motionless, expecting another movement from Keith, and he jumped at a scoff directly to his wetted skin.

“Griffin...” Keith murmured against his neck, his lips touching teasingly around his pulse and raising to his ear, “Keep still.”

He clenched his teeth, unconsciously arching his neck to let him do whatever he wanted, and he contained a whine in the bottom of his tongue when a few kisses were left along his throat, too sweet and careful despite the harsh order. He had to bit his mouth when he felt one of Keith’s legs position itself between his and he couldn’t help grind back against the insistent but gentle moves in his crotch.

“Ah, shit” he gasped, his eyes closing helplessly while his hips thrusted upwards to keep feeling the contact.

“I said ‘Keep still’” Keith muttered in his ear, a graze of his teeth causing him goosebumps, and his back arched painfully.

“K-keith...”

He almost hated himself because of his needy voice, but the smile stretching in his skin and the breathy sigh in his ear lightened up some pride in his chest and a tension too difficult to bare in the deep of his stomach.

“Griffin” Keith repeated letting go of his hands and leaving caresses all the way down to his neck and shoulders while kissing his way down to his collarbone, “You look...”

The growl that rumbled his ribcage mad its way to his skin as a purr, making him grasp his shoulders and feeling his fingers grope his chest with the perfect amount of strength. He fisted his hair, wet and soft, instead as a leverage, pushing him down to his neck again.

“I-I... ah...” he tried when the kisses continued teasing him and the hands fell to his abdomen, the insistent pressure between his legs being too calm and slow, “K-keith, I need...”

A little adjustment to their hips and James found himself getting breathless with a moan, the hot erection against his even through the clothing making him squirm. He ended up thrusting against it shamelessly, any little pants hitting his collarbone with kisses and licks clouded his mind enough to forget about how illogic it was the damned situation.

Keith was in his arms, his hair tangled in a mess that he had fisted, and his mouth kissing every inch of his neck. He was thrusting to him with the same need and desperation, with too much clothes and too hard abdomen trapping their erections.

He found himself wanting to reciprocate all the kisses with caresses of his own, clawing at his back without thinking when it just felt _too good_ and pulling his hair to look him at the eyes. Their breaths mixed up again, and as the rough movements became more erratic and Keith’s eyes fought to not roll to the back of his head to stare at him, he knew he was close, too, so close he could fucking taste the orgasm in the thickness of his tongue.

He knew he wanted to see his face twist when he came against his erection. He knew he wanted to hear the sound his voice would do when his thrusts hesitated. He knew he wanted to feel his broken breath in a moan when he trembled in the edge of pleasure.

But he didn’t know he wanted something he didn’t even think about.

“J-james...!”

His open mouth in something almost silent that he was sure he would regret on not being able to hear, just after his name was _whimpered_ too loudly, and his lips touching briefly his in something like a kiss, pushed him over the edge to the most aggressive orgasm he had ever felt.

And the spasm of his own body grinding against nothing at all made his eyes open up to the darkness in his bedroom, his skin rippling in goosebumps and his hips thrusting erratically below his sheets, a hot liquid making its way through his already soaked boxers.

The cloud that the orgasm left in his head cleared too slowly, but the realization of what just happened made him get up with a sudden jerk of his back, all the satisfaction that could’ve left him dazed for hours already forgotten at the heavy and deep shame.

He had just had a wet dream with Keith Kogane.


	3. Sky

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm SO eager for this that I didn't wait for day 3 to post it.  
> Sue me.
> 
> On [tumblr](https://ulqueleleh.tumblr.com/post/178030769087/feelings-i-didnt-know-i-had-james-and-keith).  
> And I actually had to repost it in Tumblr because I didn't wait.

It was difficult to meet his eyes. Mostly because the only thing he actually tried to find in them was the darkness of lust that dizzied him. Or the spark of light and hope that he liked to imagine in them. It was so difficult when he always saw them clouded and unfocused, looking down at him with gasps were shaped as his name.

The dreams didn’t stop to torture him every single night. In any case, they were worse than the last one, being more intense, more realistic. So much that he always woke up shivering in the orgasm, his lips murmuring Keith’s name as if it was a mantra.

His perspective changed drastically.

He couldn’t focus on the meetings when he was in the same room as him. He couldn’t stop feeling a weird attraction to the place he was seated. He couldn’t help shoot gazes in his direction and shift in his place what his mind made up to keep him entertained the night before.

It was _torture_.

And the only thing he could actually do to escape from it was fly.

He adjusted the control one more time, growling at the pull to his fingers, and let the MFE Fighter fall free through the sky, closing his eyes a moment to feel the adrenaline from the free fall; his stomach turning upside down, his mind going light-headed, the rush of blood in his veins beating his heart harder, his ears deafening because of the constant alarm going off.

It was the only way he could get away from his thoughts. From his needs. From his wishes.

 _From Keith_.

“James.”

He scrunched his nose in anger and swallowed up the insult that automatically formed in his tongue, opening his eyes and stabilizing the MFE with a movement.

“Kinkade” he murmured, and resented that it sounded as a warning.

“Your motor isn’t going to last with that stunts you’re pulling off”, Kinkade explained through the private comms, his serious tone sounding like a scold, “You’re being too careless.”

James scoffed, lowering the speed of the turbines and falling to the level Kinkade’s MFE fighter was.

“I’m not being that careless” he excused himself glancing to the data and lifting an eyebrow at a number out of place, “You don’t have to worry.”

“I’ve seen you do that free fall too many times these pasts tests, James” Kinkade commented, “Three times only in this training.”

James rolled his eyes, and hearing Kinkade’s sigh made him know he too was exasperated.

“Evasive maneuvers?” he asked looking to the MFE next to his.

“James...” he heard him try to scold him, but James could hear his smile.

“Catch me if you can, Ryan.”

He accelerated abruptly, leaving his breath in the air behind him with all those filthy thoughts.

He turned nimbly through the clouds, lowering enough to lift dirt from the desert canyons, and he let himself go with the movements, focusing only the needed to not crash. He smiled when he saw Kinkade’s MFE fighter being his shadow, following up and imitating all his moves with precision.

He thought of losing him in a turn, and he put the speed at its maximum, disappearing in a whisper of air.

“James!”

He squinted, blocking out all the scolds Kinkade was trying to make him listen to and focused on dodging all the rocks that threatened to destroy his vehicle, enjoying the speed and adrenaline that only those planes could give to him. He laughed, deafening all the noises that the MFE fighter did in a struggle to follow his commands, and he turned swiftly into a fissure in the canyon wall, twirling and avoiding the rocks and sharp twists that could crash him if he weren’t that skilled.

But even if he wanted to ignore everything the reality tried to put in front of him, even when he wanted to escape every single thing his mind thought in his loneliness for some minutes, the noisy alarm ringing in his ears and the blinking red light blinding his eyes, made him go face to dirt too fast.

Quite literally.

The MFE fighter turned slightly into another direction that he commanded to, and that minimum rotation in the axis took away all his control over his stunts. He cursed trying to get the plane out of the canyons carelessly, and a little hit to the end of one wing with the edge of a rock tilted completely the cabin, the crystal in front of him going directly against the sand.

He was able to turn off the motor before the collision and avoided to crash mortally in the relatively soft surface of the desert, but, even when the blinking red light stopped flashing to his face, the noisy alarms didn’t stop.

He breathed for a moment, his heart beating so loud that could die down the alarm, and far away he could hear Kinkade’s voice, panicked and asking over and over for a signal of life.

“I’m okay. Relax” he groaned finding the button that would open the hatch and let him out of the vehicle, “I told you to shut up.”

Kinkade stuttered a little, and his complains kept going louder and harsher. James rolled his eyes and jumped out of the plane, getting off his helmet roughly and throwing it to the ground just to make him _shut the fuck up_.

“Shit” he cursed holding his head and looking back at his MFE fighter for any severe damage while he felt Kinkade’s MFE land in a secure distance. He could hear Leifsdottir and Rizavi asking what happened from his helmet but he didn’t care to answer.

Iverson was going to kill him.

He endured the scolding with no words to defend himself, his head hanging from his shoulders and his expression drowned in deception. He could feel everyone stare at him with pity while Iverson vent out at him about every single stupid action he did in every training since a while ago. And just when Iverson scolded Kinkade because he wasn’t firmer with his orders to stop him, James felt nauseous, tightening his fists and closing his eyes in impotence.

Not only he affected his perfect record, but he affected too his team’s, and he couldn’t stop thinking about the irony in the situation, because Keith did exactly that in their days as cadets. At least he actually cared about his team.

“Am I clear, Official Griffin?”

He inhaled deeply and he tried to hide his frustration.

“Yes, sir.”

Something in the peripheric moved and he forgot Iverson was still scolding him when he saw the violet eyes.

He looked at him from a side, his feet directed to the hangar the lions were, and James blamed his terrible luck at being scolded just when Keith decided to go to fly his lion. He saw his mouth tight in something really similar to pity, and he forced himself to take off his eyes from him, putting it in the ground again to focus on the orders Iverson was giving him.

He almost whiplashed himself at one.

“W-what?”

“You heard me clearly, Official” he spitted, “The damage to your MFE wasn’t several and it’ll be fixed in a couple of days. But your incompetence and immaturity in these last days don’t deserve just a warning.”

He felt his blood run cold.

“You’re suspended from MFE testing until further notice.”

 _Shit_.


	4. Lion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I fell sick yesterday, I feel so awful. Yet, here I am, screaming for this chapter.
> 
> On [tumblr](https://ulqueleleh.tumblr.com/post/178031115437/feelings-i-didnt-know-i-had-james-and-keith).

The pass of days had become unbearable.

At first it was complicated to adapt to the lack of his MFE fighter training. He had too much free time in those hours and he didn’t know what else to do to keep himself distracted. In a few of days everything became too intolerable being locked up in his room with anything to do (technically, because he actually did a couple of  _things_  to get himself down from the haze the dreams were pushing him into), and he ended up sheltering in the gym from time to time, kind of lowering his libido, but days after he found himself needing a cold shower at the end of each physical training. Or an unnecessarily long shower to relieve himself a little.

Fortunately for him, he wasn’t suspended for the missions they had to do.

But even with that, the things didn’t become easy.

If it first it was difficult to concentrate in the meetings, now it was  _impossible_  with Keith being one of the most present members because he is leader of Voltron. Always with a determinated smile or a serious and firm expression, talking with a diplomatic tone, that James couldn’t quite place even after hearing it almost every meeting, about plans, alliances, attacks, enemies and civilizations that had a lot of importance for the good of the future.

Of course, James didn’t understand anything at all because he was more focused on the movement of his mouth, or the light of pride in his eyes, or the nervous fidgeting of his hands, or the little part of his hair that fell down out of place near his ear when he entered the meeting a little rushed because he was a few minutes late.

James couldn’t focus on the Red Paladin, leader of Voltron, talking about all the things that were important for humanity. He could only think and see Keith Kogane existing just a few feet away from him.

And now, in another attempt to find other thing to keep himself busy, he was kicking a stray rock in farer hangar. He just exited one of those meetings where he couldn’t keep his ears pay attention to the lows and highs of Keith’s voice while he explained the importance of Balmera, and his teammates had to go to the training after the meeting, so he just started wandering around the hangar.

He had walked all the way there with his mind in a mess about everything those stupid dreams and the annoying distractions Keith caused, starting to kick the rock at some point in the path and achieving to distract himself with the simplicity of the action.

But his mind kept being a disaster.

It was illogical that after four years without having Keith around, he had arrived like that and take over his mind with just a glance. And even when James didn’t want to admit it, it all started when Keith complained about taking his shot, looking so good in that red and white armor and a scar across his right cheek.

It was already too difficult to forget about him when he got himself expelled just for him to come back as a sexier and more mature version of himself.

It was  _unfair_.

He kicked the rock with too much force without thinking in a try to let out some of his frustration, and the horrible metallic noise it did when it entered a hangar made him jump in his place, wincing when something fell hard and scattered loudly in the ground.

“Shit” he whispered, following the trail his little projectile did afraid that he broke something important and that his suspension lasted more than it was intended.

He peered the hangar being wary, hoping nobody had been attracted by the noise, and he sighed relieved when he saw a tool box thrown in the floor, all the tools out of it and scattered beside a table. The tension on his shoulders went down, and he went closer to clean up the mess he made, taking his time to put all the tools in their places.

He sighed, putting the toolbox back in the table, and stilled when he saw the head of the Black Lion in the other end of the hangar. He crossed the hangar quietly and stopped in front of the semi-circle the five lions were doing in the open space, letting his eyes drift from one to another.

The green one was the smallest, and it had a shield over its back. And the red one had an aura that kind of attracted him.

But the most majestic was the black one.

It almost seemed as if it was waiting, solemn, in the middle of the room, in the middle of the crescent moon they formed, and it was bigger than what James actually thought, noting that he never had been standing in front of its paws until now.

He stared at it in silence, his neck starting to strain from looking up to its face from the ground, and he kept walking, fixating all the details he could from his place.

It was something extraordinaire, mainly because of its size and the speed it flies with while crashing enemies’ spaceships.

He suddenly asked himself how Keith ended up piloting it.

He obviously was aware of the innate abilities Keith had in the simulators, but looking at the other four paladins, it didn’t look like that it was a requirement to know how to fly a ship adequately. Because he remembers Garrett being more like a mechanics cadet, and Holt was more a technician. He had heard about something deeper than comprehension that the pilots ended up piloting. Something about how in reality it was the lions who choose their paladins. Something about them answering only to the adequate pilots.

As if they were alive and in their right minds to choose.

He sighed, shaking his head and slumping his shoulders with a roll of eyes.

It wasn’t that he was skeptical. But that sounded like something from a movie or a TV show.

Maybe if he could be there when something like that happens, just like what happened to Atlas in the last fight, transforming into an enormous robot that helped Voltron, all thanks to something Shiro did that everyone can’t really explain.

“Let’s see...” he said crouching beside one of the Black Lion’s leg and searching for something that could open the hatch.

He frowned, not really finding anything that could be a switch or a button, or maybe a screen that could do something to get him in the lion, and he huffed.

“What, do you really function with magic?”

There was no answer, obviously.

“Only Keith can pilot you, huh?” he asked looking down to the iron claws and scoffing, “Or are you telling me that I’m not worthy of your power?”

He stiffened when he actually thought he would have an answer, sighing at the silence, and actually thinking that maybe  _that_  was the Black Lion’s answer.

“And what, is Kogane worthy?” he questioned, turning to the other lions and stopping his gaze in the red one, looking back to the Black Lion a second later, “Is it because he’s half galra or something?”

Silence, again, and James almost hit himself in the head at the realization that he was trying to argue with a machine.

“Or maybe it’s just to drive me insane?” he said exasperated, “Because if Keith didn’t come back taking so much attention, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have lost my mind too easily.”

He turned his back to the Black Lion and seated in its paw, taking a deep breath and waiting for an answer that he really wanted. But he knew he would only hear his echo in the empty hangar. 

“I don’t understand how he became so much” he muttered dropping his gaze and sighing, “You know: Keith, the one that pilots you. I didn’t think he would accomplish so much.”

He thought about it, processing the words that he said to the silence, and then he huffed a bitter laugh, too weak and painful.

“Actually, I always knew” he corrected himself, biting his tongue and closing his eyes, “I always knew he would accomplish so much.”

The silence recomforted him for a bit, and he let himself get comfortable in the paw, looking up to its jaw above him.

“I always tried to convince myself that he wouldn’t get anywhere because of his temperament” he continued tapping his fingers in the metal, “And I thought that everything ended when he got expelled because of it.”

He glanced to the other lions, and then to the floor.

“But I always hoped that he would come back” he said shrugging “, that he would be someone important, that he would achieve that much.”

He bit his lower lip, breathing deeply and thinking briefly of all the things he had ever dreamed since the hand-to-hand fight, of all the things he had thought in meetings and glances across the room, of all the things he used to think about Keith and how different they were from the things he thinks of him now. 

There wasn’t much difference.

“But I didn’t think I would be so...”

“What are you doing?”

He jumped out of his skin, too startled to pretend he didn’t, and he looked rapidly to his right, his heart thumping in a different way when the fright changed to self-consciousness, recognizing the voice that talked to him and the figure standing beside the Red Lion.

“Kei- Kogane” he hesitated glancing away from his eyes and backing a step.

“What were you doing, Griffin?” he asked walking up to him until both were in the Black Lion’s shadow, and James until then noticed real curiosity in his voice.

He didn’t sound hostile or irritated. Just curious.

“I... uh...” James formulated eloquently, and Keith scanned him for a bit, his brow relaxing at a realization in his head.

“Free time?”

James frowned, staring at him.

“What?

“You don’t know what to do in your free time, do you?” he said in a more casual tone, as if he was commenting about how the weather became hotter those past days, “Doesn’t seem like you’re in your best moment, Griffin.”

James scoffed, more amused than actually angry at the comment.

“It  _actually_  looks like you’re worried about me”, he said dryly, freezing at the blank stare Keith was giving him.

There was no reply to that, but Keith kept talking in a more serious pitch.

“You’ve been acting weird”, he said as if that could explain his previous statement, making James swallow.

“How would you know?” he doubted before he could stop himself, bother roughing the edges of his voice, “A few months here and you think you fully know me?”

The pull to Keith lips, tightening in a line, made his heart stutter, a pain starting to blossom from the bottom of his chest.

“I know I don’t know you like Kinkade does” Keith replied with a softer whisper, James’ lungs suddenly grabbing a breath at Keith’s eyes lingering in the floor instead of in his face, “, But I know you since before Garrison, and there are many things that time doesn’t change.”

He wanted to ask what kind of things didn’t change, he wanted to know what kind of things Keith noticed when they were younger, he wanted let his heart beat faster at the little hope that Keith actually paid attention to him before, and that he still does to that very day.

_Don’t delusion yourself, James._

“I hadn’t had much sleep” he half-confessed, the tiny flame inside him warming his feelings to the point that he didn’t really cared to trust part of his problem to the problem itself, “And messing up with the MFE Fighter testing was a consequence. That’s all.”

Keith’s eyes, indigo in the shadow more than the beautiful violet that glistened in the light, let him know that it wasn’t all, even when he was the one that assured it. He opened his mouth and James felt his blood freeze, thinking that he would say everything that he had shoved back to a hole in his mind, as if he was just a paper full of words than Keith could clearly read and understand.

But he bit his lower lip instead, and James found himself looking intently at it, wondering how much force would take to steal away a whimper from his throat.

“Oh, James”

He shot his gaze to the ground, feeling his face flushing while steps made their way to both of them in front of the Black Lion, Shiro’s voice working as a lever to draw him down to Earth.

“Captain” he saluted with a nod, not even getting himself together to look at Shiro in the eye, stopping midway to his face, “I was...”

“Taking a walk?” Shiro completed with a notorious smile in his voice, and James felt relieved enough to glance at him, “I heard about the incident” he continued with a serious tone but more concerned than anything else, “Are you alright?”

He didn’t want to answer that, thinking his voice would give him away with his lie, so he just nodded, looking briefly to Keith still watching him but then gazing the Black Lion, somewhat taken aback.

“Excuse me” he managed turning in his heel and trotting to the door, maybe too quick and uncareful to display professionalism.

He almost stopped when Keith called him, hesitating before saying his name, and when Shiro immediately did. But he couldn’t handle it anymore, the stab right through his heart because he was feeling hopeful about Keith’s words taking him back to reality in a sharp pain.

And he actually stopped by the doorway, hearing the rest of Voltron Paladins entering the hangar in eager chat, and he let himself look over his shoulder at Keith, the painful wound that his heart had piercing more into his chest while all the air got out of his lungs as if he was punched in the gut.

Keith was smiling.

At Shiro.


	5. Shiro

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> James is soooooo screwed.  
> In his own head, at least.
> 
> On [tumblr](https://ulqueleleh.tumblr.com/post/178065990172/feelings-i-didnt-know-i-had-james-and-keith).

When he got back to himself, he was already pacing from one side of his room to another, his heartbeat loud and fast enough to make him wonder if he ran all the way from the hangar to the dorms. But it didn’t slow down, just hitting his ribcage so painfully he gripped the front of his shirt, a horrible sensation swirling his stomach in a nauseous mess.

There was something else there with the confusion, something very similar to rage, but twisting his guts so tightly he had problems trying to breathe.

Was he _jealous_?

_Fucking seriously?_

He groaned, falling down to his bed in a rough bounce, and he smacked his hands to his face, trying to lower down the pain from his chest with another physical pain.

He didn’t understand the reason. Or maybe he did, but denied so firmly that he didn’t think about it thoroughly until a memory flashed behind his eyes, Keith smiling shyly at Shiro and making his blood boil in anger.

Takashi Shirogane.

 _Captain_ Takashi Shirogane.

Of fucking course.

If Keith would ever smile at someone, that someone will be Shiro. After all, it was because of his recommendation and tutorship that Keith entered the Garrison in the first place. He was who held his hand to help him and offered him a future. He was his only friend, and later James knew that his only family, too. He was his hero and someone to follow in his days in the academy. His absence was the reason behind his emotional and mental breakdown, the reason of his restrained anger issues exploited in rage, and the reason because of his expulsion from the academy.

James still remembers how his eyes went void-black when the startling news spread like fire in gunpowder, how his traits lost all the hope and kindness that he had every time Shiro was by his side or was just mentioned, how all his future that he worried to keep by controlling his temperament and emotions broke down in too many pieces to be recoverable. Everything when Kerberos was declared a failure, a pilot error.

Of course it would be Shiro.

It’ll always be Shiro.

Keith went to the quarantine to take him out, he followed him to space, he became his right hand as Voltron and as team, he saved him uncountable times and he would save him more if he had to, because James just knew how stubborn Keith was.

And now he was jealous of Shiro being always the axis from where Keith’s life revolved.

But, does he wanted to be that axis? Wanted to be the center of all his decisions? Wanted to be the target and cause of all his smiles?

Yes, he fucking wished for that, as strong as he wished for Keith on his bed, panting his name.

His emotions evolved into something he didn’t want to think about. Something he was too afraid of. Something he knew he didn’t stand a chance against someone as great as Shiro, as intelligent as Shiro, as charming as Shiro.

He thought firmly that he would get over it. He was strong enough to get over Keith hating him in his years as cadets, he was strong enough to endure his judgmental silences and his deadpan stares. He was strong enough to get over Keith being expelled and not being able to see him again.

He would get over it. He had to. And he always did the things he had to do.

Oh, he was so _naïve_.

Everything went to hell since that night without sleep and rest. He couldn’t focus in the meetings anymore, his eyes fixated carefully in the floor. His concentration in the missions was efficient enough to accomplish what he needed to accomplish, but his effort of forgetting about Keith and getting over him was in vain.

The meeting he was in ended quite quickly for him, wandering over and over on how he would get rid of all those useless feelings, and rolled back his eyes at the realization that the meeting went for three hours straight.

He was going for the door right after Kinkade, too tired to go and release tension at the gym, planning to go and take a nap that he really hoped didn’t went interrupted by pleasure.

But his feet stopped automatically at Keith’s voice, murmuring Shiro’s name softly while both stayed at the table, their bodies too close and familiar with the other that it only needed a touch or some kind of physical contact for them to be seen as a real couple.

Shiro turned to Keith, his strong jawline tilting down to meet his eyes, and the burn in his insides made eruption again with rage at the little smile that Keith gave, so easy to read and too difficult to hate.

And the image just lacked that sickly pink color at the edges and cloying sweet sparkles around that James couldn’t help ask himself if they really weren’t together. Or if they were together but chose to keep it like a secret.

He asked himself if Keith would’ve taken the first step because of his low patience. Or if it was Shiro with all the maturity and responsibility. Or if somehow one of both confessed accidentally, likely Shiro, and the other jumped to it without even thinking thoroughly about it, likely Keith. But he supposed Shiro would lose control, too.

He gasped quietly, asking himself if that loss of control was because of a caress that lingered too much, or a hug that was too tight, or kiss that was too innocent, or maybe a kiss that was no innocent at all.

A kiss...

Have they even kissed, in the first place?

Maybe they were too shy to kiss. Or maybe that is why Keith’s smile always had that tiny bashful curve at the edge when it was dedicated to Shiro.

He asked himself who kissed whom. He asked himself if it was unexpected, or deliberated. So chaste that surged from innocence or so passionate that grazed vulgarity. He asked himself if they already passed hours one above the other between gentle kisses, or maybe desperate ones, if they touched each other and took sighs and gasps from the other, or if they already passed beyond the sweet shy caresses and started with hard grasps and strokes, moaning each other’s name breathlessly before falling into the abysm.

He almost didn’t feel the pain he inflicted to his head by slamming it against the wall.

“James?!”

“I’m fine” he spat at Rizavi, passing her quickly to run for the door, feeling the pulsating hit in his forehead much more than the problem that was attempting to grow below his belt.

He didn’t need to look over his shoulder to know everybody in the room was staring at him, including the happy couple.

He would never be able to look at them in the eye. Ever. Not when he, through his heated thoughts, inevitably imagined _himself_ between Keith and Shiro.


	6. Mutual

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keith doesn't know what pining feels like.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From Keith's perspective.  
> how abou' tha'?
> 
> On [tumblr](https://ulqueleleh.tumblr.com/post/178103028057/feelings-i-didnt-know-i-had-james-and-keith).

He knew something was wrong since his eyes stopped meeting his but lingered in his body more than they normally would have to.

And it’s not that he liked his attention, or that he was always conscious about the constant stare from him, but it started to worry him that something was wrong and he didn’t know about it.

And he was certain something was off when he knew about the MFE training incident, seeing James being scolded to no end by Iverson, even hearing that he was suspended for all the trainings until further notice because of his incompetence.

James? Incompetent?

Something definitely was wrong.

He found him more distracted and unfocused after that, answering vaguely the questions he would normally answer with confidence and professionalism. Sometimes he stuttered, and asked what was the question again, avoiding carefully his eyesight from the other side of the room and then staring at him when he thought he didn’t know about it.

Maybe it wasn’t something, maybe everything was wrong.

“Actually, I always knew”

He saw him seated against Black’s paw and automatically stopped walking, Red beside him making a shadow over him. What was James doing there?

“I always knew he would accomplish so much.”

He saw him get a little more comfortable in Black’s paw, looking up to her, and Keith noticed then that he was talking to her.

Kind of.

Keith wondered if she was okay with it.

“I always tried to convince myself that he wouldn’t get anywhere because of his temperament” James continued making Keith frown, “And I thought that everything ended when he got expelled because of it.”

Yeah, James was talking about Keith. And with Black, of all people.

He had to contain a scoff, rolling his eyes to the back, but then he remembered the first words he heard him say, the annoyance disappearing just like that.

“But I hoped that he would come back” he heard him comment, almost making him jump, “, that he would be someone important, that he would achieve that much.”

He felt his own heart starting to beat too fast, upsetting him to no end, and he couldn’t keep listening to all that, finally bringing himself to interrupt.

“But I didn’t think I would be so...”

“What are you doing?”

He saw him jump off Black’s paw, almost falling down and putting an expression of shock that he would like to see again.

Wait, what?

“Kei- Kogane.”

He frowned, feeling out of place, was he about to call him by his given name?

“What are you doing, Griffin?” he asked walking up to him, saying his last name just because he thought it would be better like that. If James wanted to be on a first name basis with him, he wouldn’t have corrected himself.

He didn’t answer, not that he even tried –he actually tried, Keith thought, but just stuttered and then didn’t try anymore. 

The conversation went a little weird after that, Keith asking about his newly acquired free time and a comment he didn’t actually meant to be mean. James said he seemed worried about him, and Keith noticed that he was worried indeed, but instead of just saying it as a socially normal person would, Keith said something about his behavior, as if that could answer that he was really worried.

But, well, James didn’t take it well, saying he shouldn’t know just because he’d been back to Earth for a few months. And he was right and that angered Keith in a really weird way.

Of course he didn’t know him that much, of course years had pass and they didn’t see each other. But...

“But I know you since before Garrison,” he found himself saying as an attempt to excuse it, “and there are many things that time doesn’t change.”

That was, actually, quite true. Because James was still very careful with how he wore his uniform, crinkle less and extremely tidy, or how he stood straight in front of a superior, firm and strong, or how he wrinkled his nose when he tried not to sneeze and just did it when he couldn’t contain it anymore, apologizing because he kind of interrupted even when it was something so trivial as a matter of physiology.

Many things didn’t change, like how he was always the most capable and loyal cadet in the academy, like how his training went flawless if Keith didn’t interfere in them, like how precise and detailed he was when making orders. 

And all those things were changing in the last weeks, with James’ uniform being a little messed up, with his shoulders a bit slouched, with his mistakes in meetings and miscalculation in his trainings.

He was out of character.

“I hadn’t had much sleep” he lied. Or that’s what Keith was thinking, because there was something more he didn’t want to tell. He knew that, “And messing up with the MFE fighter testing was a consequence. That’s all.”

He didn’t had time to think carefully of how to respond to that. And Shiro coming into the hangar didn’t help, starting a friendly conversation with James in which James himself didn’t participate much.

‘...-s you.’

He looked at Black, startled.

‘It’s because of you, Keith.’

Keith was  _concerned_.

“James?!”

He was already watching when he saw James slam his head to the wall, making Rizavi jump and Kinkade stop his feet. He saw him staring at him and Shiro, just briefly before the abrupt move. 

And he saw him storm out from the meeting room with too much desperation, hearing Rizavi ask Kinkade what was wrong with him. He thought that she would use her mocking voice because she was such a tease, but there was only concern, just like the one Keith was feeling clawing the inside of his chest.

“Is James alright?” he heard Shiro ask, maybe to another colleague, and Keith faced him rather quickly, making him startle, “Keith?”

“Shiro, I’m...” he started, but he didn’t know what he was going to say in the first place. He glanced the open door, catching Kinkade’s gaze over them for a moment before going, and he looked at Shiro again, “I think I...”

“You’re worried” Shiro completed, a knowing smile in his mouth, “I know. You’ve been kind of distracted because of it.”

Keith frowned.

“What?”

Shiro giggled, actually giggled at him.

“Go and talk to him, okay?” he said patting his shoulder, “You kind of need it, too.”

Keith let his gaze drop to the floor, still confused, but nodded and walked to the door.

“And, Keith.”

He stopped in the doorway, looking at Shiro still in the table, taking some papers from one desk.

“Keep me updated.”

Keith didn’t understand, swallowing nervously at the rare darkness painting his ever-shining eyes, but still nodded, getting out of the room and trying to follow James’ steps.

It actually took him some minutes to find him. Especially since he went to the MFE fighters’ hangar and stopped midway remembering James was still suspended. He thought the best option was to look for him at his room, but he froze when he heard his voice in the corridor in his way to his room, from the infirmary, his tone agitated and angry while cursing colorfully in a way he had never, ever, heard him.

Keith was really concerned.

“Shit...!”

He peeped through the doorway, just in time to see him kick fiercely a piece of furniture, and he thought the metal would bend over his strength. James thought the same, apparently, both surprised and James grunting when his foot bounced off the metal with a painful thump and James had to grip his foot to avoid step with it, leaping awkwardly to the hospital bed and let himself drop in the neatly sheets, his mouth still spouting all kind of swears and curses easily.

That’s what out of character totally meant.

“What the fuck...?!”

“Are you okay?”

He heard him gasp, letting go of his foot and gazing up to him in the doorway, and he saw him wince when his heel touched the floor too harshly.

“Do I seem okay?” he snarled, lifting his injured feet again to put it on his knee while tried to untie his boot, his face distorting in pain as his hands pulled carelessly at the laces, “Fuck”

Keith scoffed and walked to him, seeing him freeze for half a second when he pulled a chair in front of him and took a seat to help him take off his boot.

“What are you...?” he started pushing his hands, but Keith pushed his instead, glaring up at him from the low chair, “What?”

“I’m helping” he answered reaching to the tangled laces, “Isn’t that obvious?”

James snorted, almost angry.

“I can do it alone” he said moving to push his hands away, but Keith grasped his wrists, this time wrinkling his nose with a warning growl.

“Keep still, Griffin.”

He ignored his pant, taking advantage that his hands stayed motionless to finish untying his boot and taking it off, continuing with his sock and finally being able to see his toes, starting to get a little red and dark.

“They don’t seem broken” he commented staring at them, even when he didn’t have the knowledge to assure it. They didn’t seem broken so they shouldn’t be, “We should bandage them, with some ointment, maybe.”

There was no answer, and he risked a glance to his face, finding him staring at the wall with a frown that didn’t look angry. Keith looked a little upper and found a little bruise blossoming in his forehead, his ears buzzing at the memory of the noise his head did against the wall.

He sighed and got up, going to the piece of furniture that James and him underestimated, catching James’ attention when he opened and started searching.

“What are you doing?” he asked, the annoyed tone almost lost in something softer that he couldn’t quite recall.

“I said we have to bandage them” he responded taking some thin bandages and ointment, glancing briefly the painkillers.

“We have to?” James repeated with disbelief, and Keith rolled his eyes, “I don’t need your help, Kogane.”

“I’m not offering it” he said, but didn’t hand the things he got from the drawer and seated down to prepare the bandage.

“And you’re going to force me take it?” James asked squinting at him, and Keith ignored him for a moment, “Kogane.”

“James” he murmured meeting his eyes and seeing him tense up. Keith thought it was because of his fingers in his foot, “, just let me help you.”

He didn’t answer, and Keith took it as a yes, opening the ointment and putting some in the damaged toes with caution, surprised that James didn’t complain, only when he touched to hard or pulled to tight the bandage, only because of the discomfort.

“All set.” he announced cutting the rest of the bandage and placed the end into the fold.

James kept silent, pushing Keith to glance at his face and find his eyes fixated in the quite messy bandages. Keith felt weird.

“I saw some painkillers here,” Keith continued just to fill the silence, getting up to take it, “For your feet and your forehead, and-

“Why?”

Keith stopped before even stepping out of the way, stilling and looking over James seated in front of him.

“What?” Keith doubted, going to start a thorough explanation of how painkillers were going to help him kill down the pain. Keith was terrifyingly nervous.

“Why are you helping me?” James asked, his eyes still in his foot before getting it to the ground as if it wasn’t injured from the very beginning, “I...”

He bit his tongue, wincing a little, but Keith knew it wasn’t because of his toes. Keith looked down too, weirdly wanting to know what words James was trying to keep to himself.

“I’m worried” he answered honestly, scoffing, “You were right back then. I was worried about you, but I know I don’t have the right to say it, so I just tried to-”

He trailed off, his eyes finally meeting James’ blue-gray eyes, open in clear surprise, his expression so open Keith felt really out of place. There was something else in his irises, a sparkle, a little hope, and Keith never thought he would like more of that for him.

From that distance, James seated down in the bed and looking up to Keith standing in front of him, their knees touching from time to time, Keith could see the dark eye bags that hanged from under his eyelashes, he could see the little movement his eyes did as he stared at every little detail of Keith’s face looking for something, he could see his lips hesitate in say something at that. Keith found himself not even looking at his face anymore, just staring at his mouth, leaning without thinking as he wondered briefly if James was aware of how handsome he was, his breath hitching sweetly against Keith’s before he kissed him with a short touch.

He blinked, staring again at those lips, and suddenly felt aware of what he just did, stepping back quickly and knocking off the chair behind him. But the sound of it clattering in the floor didn’t bother him, his eyes glued to James’ expression of shock. His cheeks were colored in red, just as they were when they were fighting, and his eyes were more white than blue, opening and closing just like his mouth in total confusion.

Shit.

“I-I...” he tried, not even finding in his head the reason why he would kiss as he pleased. He just  _kissed_  James Griffin. He  _kissed_  him without even asking. He  _kissed_ him and his heart couldn’t stop thumping deafeningly against his ribs. “I-I'm sorry, I shouldn’t have-”

His hand was caught in his attempt to run for the door, feeling too shocked with his own actions, too confused with his own feelings.  _Did he_ _just_ _think_ _James_ _was_ _handsome before he kissing him?_

“W-wait!”

Keith didn’t move, having to swallow down his personal problems for a minute to face James, prepared to be shouted at, or be punched to dead. 

But he found James looking just as lost as he was, as if he didn’t know why he stopped him in the first place, mouthing wordlessly while his face started to get redder.

“Y-you...” he heard him stutter, his eyes meeting his for a second, “W-why...?”

Keith didn’t know. Or yeah, he certainly knew, but his head was about to collapse. How ridiculous was having a crush for god knows how many years and suddenly noticing about all of it after kissing him without permission?

And even when his conscience kept telling him that it was really wrong to do that, James’ reaction made his heart scream from the bottom of his lungs that it didn’t matter. What really mattered was-

“Can I do it again?”

James jumped in his seat, the blush reaching his ears.

“What?”

Keith swallowed.

“Can I?” he asked again, stepping a little into his space and seeing him startle, “I want... I want to kiss you.”

James’ mouth crooked with a frown, a brief smile escaping from him.

“You want... why?” he said shaking his head, but that didn’t seem like the answer, “If this is a stupid attempt to delusion me, Kogane, I swear to god I’ll fucking-”

“Delusion you?”

James’ fists tightened in his lap.

“Why would I...?” he doubted, frowning deeply, “Why would I delusion you?”

James stayed quiet, starting to bit his lower lip before looking up at Keith.

There was no need to answer, every single thing that happened those last weeks came to his mind like a strong wave of the ocean, drowning him and hitting him against what James was talking about. Against what James was feeling.

He reached his face slowly, letting him get away if he wanted, but his fingers touched his cheek, and he caressed him a bit to hold his head gently by his jaw. James trembled a little, his hands grasping at the sheets, and Keith leaned into his space, holding his breath when James sighed and glanced down to his lips.

He licked them in anticipation, anxiety pushing him to get over it already, but he kept still, shivering at the breath touching his wet lips.

“Can I?” he murmured again, James still eyeing him wryly, “James, I’m not going to do it if you don’t-”

“Shut up.”

He closed his eyes at the contact, firmer than a caress and softer than a whisper. He contained his gasp that wanted to open his mouth to the other, but James was a step ahead, opening his lips and tilting his head a bit while letting go a sigh into his mouth, inviting him to do the same, feeling James’ hands hug his waist while he gripped briefly at his hair.

They pushed away slowly, the kiss so steady and gentle that could’ve lasted a few seconds or many minutes. 

For Keith, it wasn’t enough even if they lasted hours making out, and seeing James lick his own lips appreciatively he knew it wasn’t enough for him either.

“Keith...” he breathed, frowning while staring at his eyes, “I... you don’t know how many times I dreamed about this.”

Keith snorted.

“What?”

“Shut up” James ordered, hiding his face in Keith’s chest as if he said it without thinking, “I...”

He bit his tongue to stop himself from laughing, more bashful about the confession than the confession itself.

“James” he called him, burying his fingers through his soft hair, and made him lift his face to him, “I think I...”

Keith stopped, taking in his gorgeous expression before finishing.

“I think I like you.”


	7. Post-War (with his feelings, 'kay?)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally have it done!!!!  
> I can sleep now...
> 
> On [tumblr](https://ulqueleleh.tumblr.com/post/178169130812/feelings-i-didnt-know-i-had-james-and-keith).

He woke up to something tickling his nose, an unfamiliar but comforting smell filling up his lungs. He shifted and opened his eyes lazily, the black messy hair wrapped around haziness and sparks of the morning made him believe he was still asleep and dreaming. But the weight numbing his arm was real, as well as the heat from another body snuggling to his below the sheets and the touches that he could steal by moving his free hand, feeling the heartbeats steady and calm below ribs.

He sighed remembering what happened after the meeting, not actually believing it.

But Keith had kissed him, right after James dumbly almost broke his foot in half and had to get medical attention from him.

“You _think_?” he had spitted before he could stop himself, Keith pulling away from his hands and glaring at him, “You _kissed_ me. Two _fucking_ times. And you _think_ you like me?”

Keith frowned, his face sharpening on the edges.

“I’m sorry?” he apologized poorly, “I thought you agreed with me kissing you.”

James felt his face blush more, stammering with his words.

“It’s not about…!” he tried to complain, the eyes staring at his face not helping at all, “How do you say you _think_ when you did that kind of stuff?!”

Keith winced, his mouth twitching open for a second before closing in a tight line, his face reddening almost as much as how James felt his own.

“I’m new about this” he confessed shrugging, his eyes glued to a point in the wall that James ignored, “I didn’t think this was...”

James waited for him to finish his excuse, containing himself from kissing him again when he saw him bit his lip.

“I’ve been...” he continued, not following the line he drew before, “Since some time I...”

“Could you, please, finish at least one thing at the time?” James asked exasperated, feeling too dizzy to follow up his mumbling.

Keith scoffed.

“I’m sorry, okay?” he said agitated, not sounding as if he was really sorry, “I just noticed these feelings and my head is struggling to follow up!”

He felt his lungs push out all his breath.

“You just...?” he murmured frowning, Keith looking at him, “In this moment?” he asked confused, “Right now?”

Keith nodded, not understanding the breathless tone, and James almost felt himself faint in desperation.

“I’ve been head over heels for you since you even returned, Kogane” he growled holding his face in a rough movement, his shame not wavering at the anger, “Even before you went to your little space trip! And you _just noticed_?!”

“Since _what_?” Keith mumbled in disbelief and James clenched his teeth in a groan, pulling him into a harsh kiss that clacked their teeth together and cut his lip a bit.

Keith reciprocated immediately, his hands finding place in his shoulder and nape, his knee opening space between his legs and leaning into him. His lips parted in a sigh and Keith gripped him harder, deepening the kiss in something that was too inexpert for both of them, with no idea of how to follow up the other and being too stubborn to let the other lead the kiss.

Keith shifted and his foot hit slightly James’ injured one, making him jump to get away from the contact and open his mouth in a complain, but Keith just took advantage, exploring the insides of his mouth with his tongue without even knowing what he did. Keith took the lead with that, leaning over James in a way he loved, and his hair was gripped in a fist, pulling him off James kiss-bitten lips with a hiss.

“Stop,” he ordered in a growl to himself, but Keith did just as if it was for him, and he tried to calm down the growing heat inside his abdomen, the one that started in the meeting with a wild imagination and just kept growing bigger and hotter at Keith’s breath mixing up with his.

Keith moaned, deep and scratchy, and James felt it rumble in his chest, his ears melting away at the sound so alike a purr.

“What?” Keith said slurred, his nose and brow wrinkling in impatience.

“W-wait” he murmured looking away, having to take control of himself before he would jump over Keith mindlessly, and he was surprised when Keith actually waited, pulling away a little.

He stared at him, wary about the distance, and he saw him smashing his lower lip in a sign of nervousness, his face blushing to the end of his ears, and James stared at them, totally charmed by the color.

“Keith.”

His eyes, indigos despite the horrible blinding light of the infirmary, found his easily, softening in something James couldn’t help but get dazed.

“You stopped kissing me” he murmured, Keith frowning at the statement.

“You told me to” he said with an obvious tone, looking down to his hand holding away his shoulder, “and pushed me.”

James haven’t noticed that, and he stared at Keith in confusion, slowly comprehending what was wrong with him.

Keith wasn’t like the one on his dreams, always taking the lead and making him take what he had to give, despite how confused, scared or against it James was in his consciousness. The Keith on his dreams wasn’t inexpert, he wasn’t gentle, he didn’t respect what James told him. The real Keith was actually _caring_.

“Oh,” he sighed, Keith blinking curiously at him.

“Unless that wasn’t what you meant” he murmured slowly, looking down, “Is that one of those things you say but don’t really mean?”

James huffed.

“No, I...” he started in doubt, “It’s just...”

He couldn’t finish talking, too lost in the memory of all the dreams that kept him out of rest every night and how different and better it was the reality standing in front of him, expectant of his next move.

“I’m... struggling too.” he whispered, huffing out a bitter laugh.

“Okay” Keith said fidgeting, as if he couldn’t keep himself still, “Look, I... I’m sure I like you, okay? I just...”

He bit his lip, and James stared at it too long.

“I just don’t-”

“Do you want to go to my room?” James found himself saying, Keith’s snapping a look at him.

“What?”

James hit himself in the back of his mind.

“I mean- I just- I didn’t meant to- I worded it wrong, I-”

“You want me to?”

James swallowed his words too roughly, choking.

“I...”

Keith shifted, his knees finding place on either side of his leg, and James stammered, his hands immediately grabbing his hips to still him.

“You...?” Keith encouraged him, his fingers reaching his cadet jacket and flicking the zipper.

James’ lungs gave out.

“I want…” he said breathless, his eyes staring down to their tangled legs and the hands on his chest, rubbing down wrinkles that weren’t there, “I’d like…”

Keith’s mouth curved up, a twist in the corner making him look gorgeously nervous, and he leaned down a bit, pursuing his lips and kissing James’ briefly.

“ ‘Kay”

James got up too quickly, almost punching off Keith from his lap, and took his hand rather roughly, pulling him towards the door when he suddenly remembered his injured feet, the pain shooting up his leg, and fell to his knees, Keith tripping behind him.

“Whoa, James!”

He cursed, gripping his feet, and he heard Keith laugh softly.

“You sure are eager” he heard him comment while going back a few steps and then crouching beside him, “Here.”

Keith took his hand and wrapped his arm over his broad shoulders, hugging his waist to help him get up without standing in his sore foot by helping him lean into his body. James glared at him, looking down to the hand on holding the side of his waist and finding his boot, and the shame just multiplied by ten, his face heating up in embarrassment.

“Shut up.”

“I didn’t say-”

“Just shut up.”

Keith laughed again, this time against his temple, and James snuggled a little closer while they got out of the infirmary, walking slowly because of James limp.

It took too long for them to reach the dorms, especially James’ room, but just when the door closed behind him, James didn’t let go of Keith’s body, lingering all the touches and kisses he would while they followed up to the bed.

And now he woke up to Keith’s messy hair tickling his face, and he felt as dreamy and hazy as when he fell asleep to fall into Keith’s arms.

He shifted a bit, snuggling closer, and Keith squirmed in his arms, turning his face to his cuddled in his shoulder.

“Hey...” Keith whispered, James scrunching his nose to the morning breath.

“Hey” he murmured, wrapping his arms around Keith’s torso and breathing in his hair, “It wasn’t a dream.”

Keith huffed, moving enough to face him completely, his legs tangling with his and his hands roaming his chest.

“You keep saying that.”

James bit his lip and leaned down to brush their noses together, Keith giggling softly.

“I...” James started, not really knowing what to come up with, “I know, it’s just...”

“You look well-rested" Keith pointed out, his fingers tracing circles in James’ shoulders so sweetly and mindlessly that caused him shivers, “You fell asleep before we even started getting it on, you know.”

James thumped his forehead into his, hissing at the pain of the forgotten bruise there and the laugh against his lips. In his defense, he hadn’t slept that well in weeks.

“Shut up.”

“You keep saying that, too.”

He knew that. Of course. But he couldn’t help it. All those things he thought of doing with Keith, all the kisses, or hugs, or touches. All the sounds he thought of hearing from him. All the actions and reactions Keith had to certain things he did; the low gasp when he buried his fingers through his hair, the tremble of his lips when he grasped his hips, the grasp of his nails in his back when he kissed him for too long.

And hearing his voice whisper his name, say out loud wishes or curses, voicing out all the thoughts that Keith really thought, not the things James wanted to hear and always heard in the haze of his dreams.

And maybe he didn’t have to say it, but he felt deceived if he kept it to himself, thinking that in any moment he would wake up to the darkness of an empty cold room, so he sighed and prepared himself to feel even more ashamed.

“I haven’t been sleeping well because of... dreams” he confessed, feeling Keith’s indigo eyes wander in his face calmly, “Dreams of you... of... you doing stuff to me...”

“Stuff?”

The slight tease in his voice made him clench his teeth.

“Good stuff” he answered shortly, trying to escape from the questions Keith would have but not really getting away from them.

“What kind of _good stuff_?” Keith asked, his hands starting to caress more deliberate in his skin.

“I...” he licked his lips, “Stuff like kissing me and... touching me?”

He felt Keith’s smile curve up more when he kissed him on the lips, squeezing his eyelids more.

“Kissing you...” Keith repeated, knowing exactly what he was doing, “And touching you...”

James contained a flinch, Keith’s fingers lingering over his skin in soft circles, going down from his shoulders to his chest, and lowering more until they stopped beside his navel, his abdomen tensing up.

“Something like this?” Keith teased, tilting his head a bit and hiding his face in the crook of his neck, leaving little kisses that were just mocking him and his imagination.

“Not... quite.” he answered with a sigh, gripping his head and pushing him to make him keep going, “Keith...”

“Yeah...?” he felt more than heard in his pulse, his breath coming short and his anxiety ripping down his spine to the steady touches in his abdomen.

“ _Please_.”

He heard him swallow and lick his lips, gasping softly and stopping for a second.

“Can I?” he asked the same fucking question, and James groaned, shifting closer, “Can I do it like I do in your dreams?”

James squinted, opening his eyes and looking down to Keith’s black hair, darkening more his sight in the haze.

“No.”

Keith flinched, pushing away and gazing him startled, the shock and hurt clear in his eyes. James almost pinned him down the mattress.

“W-wha- I thought- But you- but-”

“You’re not a dream, Keith” he explained poorly, cutting off his stammering and holding his face carefully, “You’re so much better than that.”

Keith stared at him, looking lost, his pale skin starting to blush between his fingers, and James smiled briefly, kissing him in the mouth.

“I want you to touch me like you want” he murmured against his open lips, and the growl coming from his throat, made him shiver, “Please.”

The world suddenly tilted, and James found himself pinned against his bed, Keith nipping and kissing his neck in desperation. James tried to squirm out of his hold, but his wrists were trapped in Keith’s hands and he was unbelievable _strong_ James couldn’t even move an inch from the sheets. He was groaning and rubbing against his body, his legs finding their way between his and his weight pushing down into his hips, James hitching them up mindlessly in an attempt to make something _touch_ him.

But Keith didn’t let that happen, his own clothed hip getting away every time James tried, and he laughed mockingly when James groaned in frustration.

“What the hell, Kogane?!” he trashed to get free of his hold, and finally broke out of it, snatching Keith’s head and kissing him harshly on the lips.

There was a faint ring away of the bed, both ignoring it while the kiss turned sloppy and deep, their erections finally rubbing into the other despite the thin clothe of their boxers. Keith held his hair and pulled him, his neck straining in an arc, and attacked his skin all over again, this time leaving pulsating bites and love bites in every place he could.

The ring got louder just before stopping completely, and James sighed relieved at that, but the ring started again and Keith pushed away, snarling at the sound.

“What the fuck is that?!” he asked trying to find the annoying source of the noise, and James almost fainted at his larger and sharper teeth, his eyes yellow with a slit dark blue in the middle.

What the fuck is that?

“W-what?” he doubted, his voice trembling at the sight but something more blossoming in the depth of his abdomen.

But when Keith looked at him, the new look was gone.

“James?” he whispered lowly, closing the distance between their faces to look at him, “What’s wrong?”

James didn’t know. Well, he knew, but he didn’t know how to explain it. Was that his imagination or...?

The ring started again, and Keith huffed, getting off James’ body and reaching for his clothes, searching in the pockets until taking out his pad. His face paled at the flashing screen.

“Shit” he cursed before getting up and answering with a swipe of his thumb, “Yeah?”

James couldn’t make out the words from Keith’s pad, but he recognized Shiro’s startled voice, making him seat down in the bed a little concerned.

“W-what? But...” Keith looked at the screen briefly before putting the pad to his ear once again, “I... I’m sorry, I just...”

Keith glanced at James and trailed off, biting his lip before getting up and gather his clothes, his pad being left at a table while the speaker went on.

“I overslept, and the alarm didn’t go off, and...”

“You _overslept_?” Shiro’s voice asked in disbelief, and James startled at it, Keith putting up his index finger to his lips to stop him from making a noise, “I went to your room, Keith. You weren’t even there. And Krolia didn’t see you last night.”

Keith bit his lower lips, his concern drawing together his eyebrows. But he pushed up James instead of answering, pushing his clothes into his arms to get him to get dressed.

“Keith? Are you there?”

“I am” he said over his shoulder, putting on his shirt while James buckled his pants, “I’m sorry, I didn’t- I just- I'm going, okay? Don’t worry, I’m in my way and-”

“Where were you last night?”

Shiro’s question froze them up, James tripping with his injured foot while putting on his boots and letting out a hiss of pain, Keith snatching his pad and turning off the speaker.

“I just had a walk, okay?” he said glancing worriedly at James and asking silently if he was okay, “A very long walk, and I just fell asleep and- You know what? I’ll tell you after the meeting, yeah?”

James tied his boots and stood up, getting dust off his uniform and glanced at Keith, catching him frowning at him.

“Shiro?”

There was no immediate response, and James felt his stomach twist, but Shiro sighed and answered, telling other things to Keith while both finished dressing.

“Yeah, see you.”

Keith hung up, sighing loudly, and James huffed, looking to his mirror briefly to straighten his hair.

“We have to go.” Keith said going for the door, but James holding his hand stopped him in the middle of the room, stilling when James’ hands fixed up the collar of his uniform.

“There,” he said letting his touch linger a bit on Keith’s chest and looking at it nervously, “Let’s go.”

Keith huffed and pulled him into a short kiss.

A short kiss that wasn’t even short to begin with and had to stop when James’ pad started ringing in his jacket, this time both running to the door and almost tripping in the corridor.


End file.
